I read this slowly, like sipping tea brewed by my ancestors while sitting cross-legged on a mountaintop of failed decisions.
“You are not still here if you are not still you”—that one punched me in the gut and then offered me a hot towel and whispered, “You good, beloved?”
This piece is less of a Substack post and more of a gentle exorcism. You’ve distilled what most coaches try to solve with ten-step funnels and branded meditations: the inner compass doesn’t need batteries, it needs stillness.
Also, “the ego judges what the Infinite sent”? That’s going on my tombstone. Or at least my next snarky T-shirt.
Blessings on your dopamine levels and all who dare to fire their inner GPS from the ego and rehire it from the soul.
Thank you, Colin, this writing exploration of yours offers options for me to deepen into my own personal inquiries to see for myself how I experience what you're pointing to.
Here's one example that was prompted from the section: Sensation: The Ache of Self-Doubt, I think (correct me if I'm not getting it) you're pointing to a moment when we can actually recognize a familiar "I don't trust myself ...that lives in your body." I stopped reading right there to check in with my body with a curiosity and a smile "where are you?"
I want to meet this "I" that doesn't trust itself. It was as if that part (that "I") wanted to stay hidden, yet when it revealed itself, that "I" felt young, not necessarily a certain age, but definitely innocent. I could feel that it was locked in a history where there was a limited way of being (existing) where the only options were "right" or "wrong." Compassion arose along with sadness. I recognized that staying there was important so as not to not move away from the heart stirrings.
Something unexpected happened. As I was simply being with my feelings and the small, innocent "I" that was locked in a binary existence, I noticed subtle movement that included a gazillion potentialities. A smile formed, maybe a universal smile. There was nothing WRONG with Not Trusting because it wouldn't even be "a thing" without TRUSTING. And that innocent "I" is not separate from that. I experienced a sweetness and for the remainder of my inquiry "being with" whatever was happening even the concept of trust didn't make sense. I think I blew my mind. LOL
I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but I loved the inquiry/exploration you prompted for me.
Deborah - first this "I could feel that it was locked in a history where there was a limited way of being (existing) where the only options were "right" or "wrong." Compassion arose along with sadness. I recognized that staying there was important so as not to not move away from the heart stirrings." then this "There was nothing WRONG with Not Trusting because it wouldn't even be "a thing" without TRUSTING. And that innocent "I" is not separate from that."
So grateful for your open vulnerability here. My "I" that tends to doubt me is also young, hearing the voice of a father, a coach, classmates...watching myself fail in sporting events, social rejection, so many 'sensations' not talked about or even consciously identified.
That place where Trust doesn't make sense any more for me is this: When I quit asking myself 'who I am' and focus more on 'What I am' is where I'm finding greater relief! Daring to recognize the Infinite in us all, leaves the need for trust on the side of the road and me playing the Tarot Fool all day long, just jauntily tripping through life!
Everything you just shared makes SOOO much sense and can't tell you how grateful I am that you're willing to share like this! Many blessings, friend!
I read this slowly, like sipping tea brewed by my ancestors while sitting cross-legged on a mountaintop of failed decisions.
“You are not still here if you are not still you”—that one punched me in the gut and then offered me a hot towel and whispered, “You good, beloved?”
This piece is less of a Substack post and more of a gentle exorcism. You’ve distilled what most coaches try to solve with ten-step funnels and branded meditations: the inner compass doesn’t need batteries, it needs stillness.
Also, “the ego judges what the Infinite sent”? That’s going on my tombstone. Or at least my next snarky T-shirt.
Blessings on your dopamine levels and all who dare to fire their inner GPS from the ego and rehire it from the soul.
God, I love the way you express yourself, Aleksander! I would love to sip some ancestral tea with you some day, brother!
Thank you, Colin, this writing exploration of yours offers options for me to deepen into my own personal inquiries to see for myself how I experience what you're pointing to.
Here's one example that was prompted from the section: Sensation: The Ache of Self-Doubt, I think (correct me if I'm not getting it) you're pointing to a moment when we can actually recognize a familiar "I don't trust myself ...that lives in your body." I stopped reading right there to check in with my body with a curiosity and a smile "where are you?"
I want to meet this "I" that doesn't trust itself. It was as if that part (that "I") wanted to stay hidden, yet when it revealed itself, that "I" felt young, not necessarily a certain age, but definitely innocent. I could feel that it was locked in a history where there was a limited way of being (existing) where the only options were "right" or "wrong." Compassion arose along with sadness. I recognized that staying there was important so as not to not move away from the heart stirrings.
Something unexpected happened. As I was simply being with my feelings and the small, innocent "I" that was locked in a binary existence, I noticed subtle movement that included a gazillion potentialities. A smile formed, maybe a universal smile. There was nothing WRONG with Not Trusting because it wouldn't even be "a thing" without TRUSTING. And that innocent "I" is not separate from that. I experienced a sweetness and for the remainder of my inquiry "being with" whatever was happening even the concept of trust didn't make sense. I think I blew my mind. LOL
I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but I loved the inquiry/exploration you prompted for me.
🙏❤️✨
Deborah
Deborah - first this "I could feel that it was locked in a history where there was a limited way of being (existing) where the only options were "right" or "wrong." Compassion arose along with sadness. I recognized that staying there was important so as not to not move away from the heart stirrings." then this "There was nothing WRONG with Not Trusting because it wouldn't even be "a thing" without TRUSTING. And that innocent "I" is not separate from that."
So grateful for your open vulnerability here. My "I" that tends to doubt me is also young, hearing the voice of a father, a coach, classmates...watching myself fail in sporting events, social rejection, so many 'sensations' not talked about or even consciously identified.
That place where Trust doesn't make sense any more for me is this: When I quit asking myself 'who I am' and focus more on 'What I am' is where I'm finding greater relief! Daring to recognize the Infinite in us all, leaves the need for trust on the side of the road and me playing the Tarot Fool all day long, just jauntily tripping through life!
Everything you just shared makes SOOO much sense and can't tell you how grateful I am that you're willing to share like this! Many blessings, friend!
Pls allow drop air below
I can’t trust myself
I still believe there’s a “self” to trust
When there’s no one left to control
every step
becomes natural
and timely
Not led by “me” yet never lost
Nothing left to trust and yet everything is clear
One who no longer needs to trust
because they’ve seen